From the Archives: Imhotep Chalamet Looked Sooooo Toned at the CowMonkeyTurtleDragonfly Awards
“The scarab-beetle black of the tunic really made his pale, malnourished face pop.”
Will Smith Announces It Was ACTUALLY the Gemini Man Who Slapped Chris Rock
“That Gemini Man’s been after my skin ever since we finished filming, but I never would have thought he’d hit Chris Rock while I was practicing my acceptance speech in the bathroom mirror,” Smith said.
Gunna Announces Kidney Stone Diagnosis, to Take Hiatus from Pushing Pee
“I can’t do this pushin’ P shit anymore, man,” the “Lemonade” rapper lamented through tears via Instagram Live earlier this morning. “All I can get out is blood and little rocks, and the whole time it burns like hell – this ain’t P, dude. Like, literally. Look at this. Does that look like P to you?.”
Study Abroad Office Now Offering Summer Trip to Your Mom’s House
Your mom’s house is proving to be an incredibly popular destination with many Northwestern students.
Two Roads Diverged in A Yellow Wood and My Wife Left Me: Poems By Willie Loman
A new TikTok trend has gained popularity with men over forty and anyone suffering under late-stage capitalism. The #poemsbywillieloman trend went viral after account posted a series of videos of him speeding home while violently shaking his head to the beat of Party Rock Anthem by LMFAO, with this poem written in the caption:
From The Archives: Railroads Hate Them! With This ONE-WEIRD TRICK The Donner Family CUT Their Traveling Expenses in HALF!
His savvy entrepreneurship made him the BANE of the Union Pacific Railroad!
From the Archives: Woe is Me! This Dreadful Winter Has Produced Puddles all Over Campus, But Alas I Have No Gentleman Suitor to Lay His Coat Over so that I May Pass
If only I had worn my green velvet dress to the residential college board’s Christmas party last winter – surely Archibald would have asked for my hand!
Northwestern To Cancel Aggressive COVID Countermeasures, Will Instead Impose Economic Sanctions
Figora and Northwestern are not afraid to stand down in the face of danger
From the Future: And One Best Buy Account to Rule Them All
One day you’ll inherit the BestBuy account passed down from my father before me, and his father before him, all the way back to the great Steve Zucherberg Bezos Trump — and those discounts and deals will carry you to old age, despite our living in squalor in the Dust Wake
Nancy Pelosi to Supplement Gazpacho Police with Minestrone Military
The minestrone military would consist of a beef and barley battalion, an Italian wedding infantry, and a nuclear weapons division.