Breaking: Red Line Has Declared Independence
“All these people wearing powdered wigs got onto my train car and just started debating and writing on some scroll of paper.”
A&O Blowout Reveals Featured Artist to be a Framed Picture of Jacob Collier
Collier, known for his intricate harmonic arrangements and the ability to bore nearly anyone’s date, will be traveling all the way from the color printer in Norris to Welsh-Ryan Arena to perform at Blowout this year.
Ask Flippy: Can You Quickly Check If I Bled Through My Pants But Like Don’t Make It Obvious?
If everyone sees you staring at my butt, they’ll know I’m on my period and that would obviously be the worst possible thing to happen to me or anyone in the history of time for reasons I’m unaware of, but I’d for sure have to drop out of school, so can you please just do this for me?
Hairball in the Communal Shower to Lead Conference on Diversity, Equity and Inclusion
One committee member spent 69 hours weighing the pros and cons, and literally weighing the hairballs themselves, to determine the leader of the conference.
Student discovers they can just keep riding the L: “I don’t know where the hell I am going”
It’s still unclear to reporters whether this was his first train ride ever.
Op-Ed: True Dream Fans Would’ve Seen His Face Reveal During the Capitol Riots
On January 6th, he had a chance to show off his gaming skills as he speedran right through the Capitol gates and clutched the 1v1 against the Capitol police.
Ancestral Ojibwe Call for End of Land Acknowledgements: “We Don’t Want Anything to Do With This Football Team.”
After Northwestern’s humiliating loss to Southern Illinois University, the Ojibwe—no longer wanting to associate with such an embarrassment of a football team—pulled out from their weekly game-time land acknowledgment. A land acknowledgement, recognizing the ancestral land upon which a particular activity or sports event takes place, is typically conducted at halftime during Northwestern football games. Vice President and Associate Provost for Diversity and Inclusion and Chief Diversity Officer Dr. Robin Coleman spoke out regarding the confusing omission at Saturday’s game.
Ask Flippy: Where Do I Find Valid Shawties Who Will Also Support My Ambitions In Political Science?
I’m just looking for a valid, down-to-earth betty who can hold my hand, both at Naturdays with the boys and on the campaign trail. Everyone knows you’re a stronger candidate with some hot wife material behind you. Plus, I still haven’t found anyone who’s willing to lay out my clothes the night before like my mom used to do – and also kiss me with tongue the way I hope my mom never does.
End of Spring Quarter Ranked Number 1 Time Period for Publicly Calling Everyone “Hags” and Receiving No Backlash or Angry Looks
Ah spring, the perfect time for soaking up amazing weather, picnicking by the beach, and publicly insulting large groups of people with sexistly-charged insults and not receiving any backlash.
EXPOSÉ: Xanthe Brown, Despot and False President
What is this, literally 1984? Fuck you. Fuck off. Fuck.