So Your Marriage Pact Match Is in McCormick. Now What?
Your grief overcomes you and you fall to your knees. It’s so Joever.
Nu Marriage Pact Runs Out of Men, Unintentionally Doubles Lesbian Population
“It’s gotten so bad that I have mistaken multiple twinks for baddies”
Student Found Sobbing After Astronomy Midterm: “I’M A FUCKING SCORPIO, OKAY?”
Lost in the backrooms of Tech, student Aurora Borealis was found breaking down on floor 2, wing Z, hallway θ, inlet ♥, in closet ✴. After being carted to the nearest CAPS office, she admitted what was troubling her: her recent astronomy exam. Unfortunately, there were no zodiac sign questions in sight for this solemn Scorpio. Even after Professor Smutko had made it abundantly clear on day one that it would not be an astrology class, some people were too
French Bed Bugs Arrive In Chicago: “C’est Incroyable! Eet Is A Pizza Baked Like A Pie”
“Zey have the most incroyable food here in Chicago,” said Camille, another bed bug found at an AMC.
Op-Ed: My National Coming Out Day Was That Damn TND a Month Ago
When that no-longer-anonymous poll cycled around to questions on sexual orientation and gender identity, gay students faced a dilemma
Quentin Tarantino To Direct “Con Air Bud” Movie, Has Titular Dog Stop 9/11
Tarantino explained that since the dogs are “literally down to Earth”, he’ll be casting his human actors based on “feet and feet alone”.
Student Announces Big Plans Coming: “There Are Big Plan Coming”: Big Plans Coming for Student: Friends Keep Laughing at “Coming”
Big plans, they come soon, coming soon. Plans, so big, very big, coming this way soon. Plans will come over everywhere soon. Coming, plans are, and there are big, for student, coming for student, in a big way, plans, plans, coming student bigging soon. Oh my gosh, it is going to come soon.
Backyardigans Lose Backyard to Gentrification
“It doesn’t matter if you’re a yellow hippo or an orange moose or a pink anthropomorphic insect thingy—no one deserves to get kicked out of their home.”
Schill Announces “Operation Fat Goose”; “We Are Going to Fatten the Geese”
“If the geese aren’t fat, they’re useless.”
He Had to Do WHAT to WHO? John Wilkes Booth’s WILD Fantasy Football Punishment
Spend 24 hours in a Waffle House, get a tattoo of your friend’s choosing, or perform at an open mic. These are some of the most popular fantasy football punishments for the poor saps who finish last in their league, but once upon a time a man made the news for his WILD punishment. And you’ll never guess what he did or who he did it to. John Wilkes Booth was just a regular joe competing in his local fantasy