WASHINGTON – President Obama inadvertently left his microphone turned on last Thursday, bluntly revealing to the country what it means to be leader of the free world:

[10:02 a.m.] Glad this mic is turned off.

[10:05 a.m.] Yo Joe, if I had a son, I hope he wouldn’t look like Mitch McConnell. At least he’d be an American citizen, though. I’m glad we raised taxes so we could spend all that extra money of the birth certificate forging department.

[10:08 a.m.] Yo Joe, I still can’t believe Air Force One is a plane. I was pretty excited for the free pair of shoes.

[10:10 a.m.] Hey, underlings, put Netanyahu on the phone. I compel you… Hello. Is your refrigerator running? Well, you better catch it. Because America’s not going to help you out.

[11:30 a.m.] Stem cells for lunch again? Yes!

[11:45 a.m.] Oh gracious lord Mao. I am sorry I have missed praying at your shrine lately. I have had to pretend to go to church. It’s an election year. Please forgive me… I need your help. How can I send more American manufacturing jobs overseas? Hell, can I just send over Detroit? By the way, how is it down there?

[11:50 a.m.] Hey, Super PAC. We’ve got some things to coordinate… Yeah, let’s keep funding commercials for Santorum. Too bad that Gingrich thing didn’t work out.

[12:05 p.m.] God damn crackers. There are so many of them and they are all the same. I can’t tell them apart. But they taste great—I think Ritz are my favorite. Pass me some Ritz, Michelle.

[12:15 p.m.] McMullan. The Mullster. I’ve got some bad news. Got to cut your budget in half. No biggie. I might be able to send over all the US-Mexico border patrol to Afghanistan, though. I’m thinking about instituting a draft. Then all the immigrants who come over can take the jobs of the Americans who are fighting overseas.

[12:30 p.m.] Chief Justice. You’ve got to be kidding me with this individual mandate bullshit. My man Roberts, where you at? I worked pretty hard on that shit. Look at yourself. You’re going to need health care pretty soon. Why strike it down? Don’t make me fire you.

[12:45 p.m.] Sasha, make me some pancakes. Daddy’s hungry.

[12:48 p.m.] Oh, sweet mother of Lincoln. Is this thing on?