TEHRAN – Minutes after the Academy Award for Best Foreign Language Film was awarded to A Separation, the Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad announced that the country will abandon its controversial nuclear program. The president spoke from a makeshift stage set up in the middle of the city’s famous Azadi Square accompanied by a local dance troupe performing an elaborate interpretive dance sequence representing the award statuette.

“This is the joyous day when the great state of Iran, with its glorious history and people, is recognized for its cultural greatness,” said Ahmadinejad. “Let’s not forget: we beat an Israeli film.”

The Iranian President admitted that the whole “nuclear” deal was a ruse implemented so the nation would be taken seriously, increase its chances of winning the award. When asked to elaborate how exactly the pursuit of nuclear weaponry has helped the film, Ahmadinejad said “Well, it doesn’t matter. Guess what matters? Yep, that’s right, we beat Israel. We win.”

A Mossad agent who wished to remain anonymous told the Flipside that while the agency is pleased by this development, it is rather disappointed that its efforts to promote the Israeli film Footnote have been unsuccessful. “We tried very hard to prevent the Iranians from getting that award,” said the agent. “Ultimately, our strategy of sending free copies of the film to Jewish community centers around Southern California and New York just wasn’t enough.”

Inspired by the outcome, the United States Department of State is considering awarding North Korean leader Kim Jong-un with a Tony Award for his portrayal of Dear Leader in the play Glorious Country Has Magical Day Filled with Amazing Card Displays and Synchronized Dancing: Part 12.