EVANSTON – In an effort to get students to join their social club, Northwestern’s fraternities and sororities did not interact across the gender divide during rush week. Promising a better social life, fraternity members spent the week eating with a bunch of other guys, engaging in all-male sumo wrestling, and abstaining from alcohol.

Occasionally, students were granted admittance to a fraternity, resulting in a bunch of guys running outside, touching each other in close quarters, and singing songs. McCormick Freshmen John Smith was one such new member.

“It was like a mosh pit at a concert, but without all the punk-rock chicks,” Smith said. “It was awesome. One of the best moments of my life,” he added.

Sororities also spent the entire week engaging on dispassionate girl-on-girl flirting to demonstrate the desirability of their social situation. Many sisters put on skits to show how fun and attractive they are.

The Greek girls were able to show off their superior social skills gained from being in a sorority, such as the knack for learning hometowns, majors, and campus activities. By doing this in a systematic manner, according to Quad-Delt president Hannah Andreasen, sororities show freshmen they really know how to meet people naturally and make friends.

All of this culminates in a celebratory party with people of the same sex and a bunch of secret, cool rituals, the likes of which have not been seen by freshmen since day camp.
“I can’t wait until my friends at home see how cool I am,” said Smith, referring to the 80 new same-sex friends he added on Facebook.

“I even heard there is a night when we get to sing and dance with girls,” whispers Smith, wearing his new fraternity t-shirt filled with Sharpied-on inside jokes to be promptly forgotten about.