EVANSTON – Resident sexual deviance advocate J. Michael Bailey was very proud of the student body for touching itself all last week.

“Really, I am just so proud that the students of Northwestern could focus a week of their school year on something that I have held so close to my heart for my entire life. It’s a wonder to hear about the young people learning and trying new things, like experimenting with flavored lubricants, studded collars and low-voltage tasers.”

But it wasn’t all climaxes and happy endings at the conclusion of Northwestern’s annual Sex Week. Well, it sort of was, but there’s also a scandal: local health clinics reportedly ran out of morning-after pills much faster than they expected. Due to impending lawsuits, one clinic employee agreed to speak with The Flipside on the condition of anonymity.

“We were completely out of stock by Wednesday. After that, my boss decided to have us sell placebos instead.”

Naturally, the entire campus has broken into chaos as girls everywhere are discovering that they’re eating for two.

Sex Week committee executives have publicly asked why pregnancies have spiked across campus when the week was full of demonstrations and events that promoted safe sex and gave condoms away for free.

“I mean, I thought the point of sex week was just to have a lot of sex,” Communication Studies sophomore Naomi Watson said. “I didn’t even know a sex club existed on campus. Does having sex automatically make me a member?”

She refused to comment on the fact that her name is “I moan” spelled backwards.

Polls show that many girls like Watson ignored the free demonstrations and dove right into bed, skipping the safe-sex education and the condoms. Now, organizers of Sex Week have declared the rest of April to be known as Abortion Month. Due to an overwhelming demand for the procedure, Sheil Catholic Center has been indefinitely turned into a planned-parenthood clinic.

In other news, campus LGBT groups have reported record growth in membership the past several days as men and women are turning to their own genders to avoid crippling fears of pregnancy.