Hello! I am here today to clear up some misconceptions about sorority risk managers!!

First, it is not simply an ironic title. There are risks. I have to remind the girls living in the house to come down for dinner. It is true, however, that most sororities have given up making sisters eat for lunch.

Second, I make sure the shower temperature doesn’t fluctuate as wildly as Luka Mirkovic’s game-to-game performance. I also manage the risk of the spreading of misinformation. This often comes in the form of unfair stereotypes, such as girls being clueless about sports and never eating.

The majority of my day, however, (about 80% if I had to give an exact number)  is spent managing risk on CollegeACB. Nothing is more life-or-death than our reputation. I don’t go around bashing other houses, but if I see that some anonymous contributor is all up in our grill, I will hunt her down. I’m looking at you, ZetaHata69. There are only 8,000 kids at this school. I will find you.

Anyway, there are lots of little risks I manage that people don’t even realize. I salt slippery sidewalks, alleviate annoyance through awesome alliteration, make sure sisters don’t see movies that get below a 20 percent on Rotten Tomatoes, and try to dispel the rumor that people get squeezed to death at crush parties.

So yes, as someone once said, girls just want to have fun. But when the working day is done, my job is only beginning. Can someone give me some fucking kudos or what?

Bye! Thanks for listening! My last piece of advice: watch out for Theta Chis. They may look small and friendly, but they are dangerous—like squirrels, or Luka Mirkovic.