EVANSTON – When Northwestern students learned that their beloved football team had come up short in their 3rd straight bid for a comeback victory, they thought they’d seen the end of Wildcat-related bad news. Unfortunately, head coach Pat Fitzgerald announced in a press conference on Sunday that the ‘Cats were already down three touchdowns in next year’s bowl game.

“It seemed right that we should let the other team score a few times before the game started,” explained Fitzgerald. “That way, we can skip to the riveting charge and keep our fans as happy as possible.” This time, however, the deficit did not quite go according to plan. “We meant for the opposing team to put up 17 points on us before the game started, but they faked their imaginary field goal and ran it in to score. Thus, the game stands at 21-0, and we have our work cut out for us.”

There are several steps that must be completed before the ‘Cats can climb out of such an early hole. First, they must qualify for a bowl. If they fail to achieve a good enough record, the 21 points will be kept in a storage unit in Des Plaines until the team’s next postseason appearance. In addition, when bowl placement is determined, the scores must be attributed to individual players on the opposing team. Given this stipulation, fantasy football stock for running backs from mediocre Big 12 and SEC teams has increased dramatically.

Fitzgerald added that the team might also begin its rousing comeback before the game. “It is important that we complete the comeback,” he said, “while still leaving some time for the heartbreaking finale that is sure to follow.”