EVANSTON—Twelve girls were horrified last Thursday to discover that Lazarus, their “GBFF” (or “gay best friend forever”), was not only on BFF status with all of them but is also not even gay.  “That tramp is bisexual,” exclaimed girl #4. “I saw him hooking up with some chick at PIKEtoberfest… fucking skank.”

Lazarus is being accused of not only swearing BFF allegiance via text to each of these ladies, but also spoiling them to numerous Facebook wall posts and Evanston outings to gain their loyalty.  “We bought matching skinny jeans at Urban just last week!” wailed girl #8, who is still recovering from her loss. “We watched Glee together and snuggled, I’m obvi still his number one,” said girl #2, clearly still in denial.

Unfortunately for these twelve girls, shopping trips and false-sense-of-security-because-you’re-gay cuddle sessions will have to be put on hold until they find a new GBFF. “I guess I’ll have to go scourge South Campus and see if any sassy sistahs can take Lazarus’s place,” sighed girl #9. “It’s really a shame,” agreed girl #5, “GBFF’s are in such high demand here. I really thought Lazarus was ‘the one.’”

What does Lazarus have to say in defense of his actions?

“I’m a free bitch, baby.”

Fair enough.