EVANSTON—Today, Evanston Whole Foods manager Mickey McGonnell announced that Whole Foods will cease operations effective immediately and will begin the transition towards becoming a retirement home. The move was made after a 3-month analysis of Evanston Whole Foods customers concluded that 90% are over the age of 65.

“I mean come on, look around” McGonnell said. “This store has more canes and walkers per capita than anywhere outside of Florida. And that old-people smell was starting to contaminate our products”. According to the general manager, Whole Foods tried to attract new customers with special deals and promotions but has found little success.

“Well, yeah, we tried deals, but we’re still Whole Foods. We have to maintain our sterling reputation we have built over the years,” the GM told The Flipside. “If we didn’t charge obscene prices for the same types of products you could get at Jewel, then we would no longer be the highest quality grocery store in the land! And those organic labels are actually quite expensive. Wait, what was the question?”

The Flipside then asked again about the failed special deals. “We did try to offer 10% off for college students because I think there is a university pretty close to our store, but our computers crashed when we tried to enter in the reduced prices. I don’t think they can handle discounts. So then we offered a special microwaved pizza slice for $7.50 only for college students. Surprisingly, the offer did not gain a lot of popularity.”

As a result of these failures to diversify their clientele, Whole Foods will begin the transition to a senior home soon. Since many of the elderly customers visit the store multiple times per day, 17-year-old cashier Veronica Billows doesn’t believe the change will be too difficult. “I already know many of the customers very well by now. They’re my grannies and grampies. Now they can just live here instead of having to travel back and forth between the store and their homes. We already have everything they will need here: Back to Nature wafers for breakfast, organic goat cheese for lunch, and some organic salmon with antioxidant shea butter for dinner! Plus, we can give them Celestial Seasonings’ Sleepytime Vanilla Tea before they go to sleep. It will be great.”

Whole Foods Evanston will be rebranded Wholesome Lifeways and has already announced its fees for residents: a $5 hourly living rate and $10 per meal. Each senior will be given one free Gojilania Goji and Mangosteen Juice Blend per day.