If any of you are wondering whether I like sports, let me tell you that I love them. I adore them. I would start a little family in the countryside in a house with a white picket fence, a garden full of geraniums, a one-eyed dog named Scooter, and a basement containing maybe the ghost of a kid who suffocated in a jar of mayonnaise with them. And what’s my favorite sport, you may ask? Golf!  

Golf is a wonderful sport involving a beautiful green field, snazzy cardigans, and the fresh smell of open air. Just kidding! You thought I was talking about that kind of golf? What kind of fool do you think I am? I’m talking about GOLF. Yep, guys ordering left feet…(on the black market).  

GOLF, as the CDC describes it in its current list of epidemics, is an intense, exciting, machismo activity involving guys sitting at a computer. And waiting. And waiting some more. And waiting for a few more hours. Until—jackpot—a left foot pops up. Then, in an overtly athletic move, these guys move their fingers all of one inch to click their touchpads, add to cart, and order. The price for this sport? You could say it’s heavy. $10,000 per foot, which is why these guys can only afford to order one left foot at a time, as opposed to a full set (two left feet). Now you might be wondering, what kind of guys order left feet on the black market? The best guys! The kinds of guys who want to have a foot to hide in their beds so that their parents don’t suspect they are sneaking out at night. The kinds of guys who need to rub a foot for good luck. The kinds of guys who like to try on shoes in the store without having to untie and retie their shoelaces. The kinds of guys who have foot fetishes? NOOOOOO! That’s gross. That’s morally reprehensible. If you or a loved one have a foot fetish, please seek help at 1-800-BITCH-DIE-BITCH.  

Anyways, the point is, the greatest spectator sport ever is GOLF. And I love watching it. And if you want to watch it with me, you know where to find me: covered in Dorito crumbs under the couch of a middle-aged man who lives in his mom’s basement and has only one tab open, foot.com.