I’m in a dilemma and have a very, very serious question to ask you. Two weeks ago, I noticed that my professor’s–excuse my French–derriere had grown exponentially in size. His butt, like an atomic bomb, absolutely mushroomed and I was wondering why. Because I believe in the scientific method, I started doing some observation, hypothesization, and research. I discovered that he’s been wearing a diaper. Now I’m not going to assume anything because assuming makes an ass out of us and there’s already too much ass going around. But if he’s wearing a diaper, he may have incontinence, and if there’s a code brown should I address it or shit harder in solidarity? I really respect him and don’t want to shame him, but I also can’t have shit stains or stench in the room. However, I want him to know I respect him and see him as a leader, so maybe I should just make like my professor and let one loose. Then he’ll see that I really do want to follow in his footsteps and that he wears the poopy pants in this relationship. I’m conflicted, what should I do?

Sincerely,

Guy Brown

Dear Guy,

Why don’t you stop being a fucking nerd and man up! Shit your pants or don’t, but if you do, do that shit for yourself and not someone else. That’s how I live my life—lone bear. If you see me pushing P in the woods, it’s because I want to, not because the man wants me to. Poop is about autonomy, fucking freedom. Don’t give that shit away for a grade. You need to figure out your shit, and figure out if you truly want to shit or just upholding the shit that controls you. That’s your responsibility as a man, Guy. And if you find something brown in your envelope, that’s a symbol of independence.

Sending freedom and shit,

Flippy