I recently encountered a woman in my workplace courtesy of our new DEI hiring policies. I was very concerned that her incompetence would destabilize our international conglomerate—I support meritocracy, as does anyone who isn’t a Soviet—but I’ve since realized that she lives an enviable lifestyle.

She can say absolutely anything and we will be none the wiser, because no one listens to women. It’s gotten to the point where she’s given entire speeches in front of upper management about hitting our revenue goals in the second quarter, but it’s just in one ear and out the other—it’s amazing. I don’t think you can find a single guy in the company who is able to recognize the timbre of her voice, and sometimes I’m not sure if she’s ever actually spoken or if can all be chalked up to an auditory hallucination.

Meanwhile, I exercise my God-given right to deluge interns with racial slurs and suddenly it’s all “Noooo, dude, you shouldn’t say that.” Or, “Noooo, dude, HR wants to see you.” Okay, and now all of your ears are working again? I would shoot estrogen directly into my aorta to take her place. It’s so fucking unfair the way that men are treated. I think I’m ready to join a Discord server to talk to other lonely, disillusioned young men about this epidemic.