“I’m not like other girls” I think to myself as I sip my almond milk latte from my silly straw, listening to the least popular Lana Del Rey songs on Spotify. My laptop is adorned with quotes from shows obscure enough that people are impressed that I know about them, but not so obscure that they can’t recognize them and shower me with praise. And, if that’s not enough, I’m possessed by an ancient Babylonian demon and levitating and speaking in tongues.

Everyone else at Café Bergson is horrified, cowering in fear as Lamashtu reveals her awesome power, her blood-stained fingertips shooting out malicious spirits at anyone unfortunate enough to be within range. The menu changes to Cuneiform as demons begin pouring out drinks and eating all the chocolate out of every pastry. An unfortunate student is dragged into the underworld, going from one hell to another. The sky turns red and geese outside are ramming into the windows en masse. Luckily for me, Lamashtu has done nothing to interfere with my witty post-ironic “I LOVE MONDAYS” mug, praise be to Enlil.

Time collapses in on itself. I’m still in Café Bergson, but everywhere else simultaneously, trying to bend the universe to my demonic control but still failing. I am pierced with the cries of thousands of anguished souls, knowing anguish is the only power I’ll ever have. Even if I must inflict pain on the human fools for all eternity, however, they’ll still know just how different I am. I’ll be the quirkiest demon in the history of…

My train of thought is cut short as the Sheil center emergency exorcism squad arrives and contains Lamashtu, driving her back and stopping her from hurting anyone else today. With a clap of thunder, the spirits of evil are sucked back into the flaming vortex from whence they came.

“Holy shit, are you alright?!” someone asks me, awestruck at what’s just happened.

“No, I’m traumatized!” I cry out. “That damn demon deleted my Lana Del Rey playlist!”