Never Fucking Leaving: Trudeau Actually Planning to “Put on a Little Makeup” and Re-run for Prime Minister Disguised as Black Politician
Immediately following Trudeau’s resignation as Canada’s Prime Minister, he was spotted stalking up on shades of foundation and concealer that a panicked Sephora representative said “totally did not match his skin tone.” After the employee pointed this out, Trudeau revealed his plans to put on some makeup and re-assume his leadership role disguised as a Black politician.
“I’m confident I can make this work,” said Trudeau. “I mean, I know the public is only aware of three or so instances of my makeup skills, but seriously, I’ve been practicing for decades just in case I ever needed to rebrand, like right now.”
Trudeau confirmed that his Black alter-ego will further his liberal and humanitarian policies, assuring voters that all contracts approving oil pipelines will begin with a land acknowledgement.
“Back in the day—when people liked me—they often compared me to Barack Obama, so I figure all I have to do is make our similarities glaringly obvious and I’ll be back on my way,” commented Trudeau.
Sources close to Trudeau are not sure what the name of the new Black politician will be or how exactly he will make his bid into office. However, Canadian officials have assured worried voters that each candidate will be required to swipe their face with a Neutrogena makeup remover wipe before facing the public. “Oh, they’re gonna have to do a lot better than that,” said the Sephora representative in response to this plan, “I sold him the good shit.”