Since November 5^th, the president-elect has made several controversial picks for top positions, including Elon Musk heading the so-called “Department of Government Efficiency” (DOGE). However, even many in Trump’s inner circle have objected to his latest and boldest choice: a literal fourteen-year-old child as Secretary of Homeland Security.

Sheldon Lee Cooper, of Medford, Texas, turned down a Ph.D. in physics at Caltech to join the incoming administration, saying that “the decision was a no-brainer after Meemaw took me to visit Pasadena and we saw how they put beans in chili. Those ‘authentic Mexican restaurants’ don’t know what the fuck they’re doing; Chi-Chi’s Tex-Mex is where it’s at.”

The recent East Texas Tech grad brings valuable defense experience, like hermetically sealing his garage in response to flu season and building a literal nuclear reactor from smoke detectors. Many interviewed locals question his competence, however, pointing out his alleged past communist sympathies, displayed recently by his wearing of a red Flash shirt (Comments that the Republican Party’s color is red were met by silence or indignation). Some threads on Reddit point out that those interviewees, owing to their extreme suspicion, would actually make good candidates for the position.

In a statement delivered by Brett Cooper, the newly-appointed White House Press Secretary, Trump “hopes Sheldon can both contribute to our project and serve as a shining example of how anyone can make it to the upper echelons of government—as long you’re white and have a penis, regardless of whether your balls have dropped yet.”