Well, buddy, here you are. You never thought you’d make it, but you’ve played your cards right and now you’re in the big leagues with Betty-Sue. Now, I’m sure you have a lot of questions that Ma and Pa didn’t quite answer. Questions like, when can I hold her hand? Is it okay to bring her flowers on the first date? How do I know if she wants to give me a good ol’ rub n’ tug out back behind the butcher’s shop? Well, bud, here’s all you need to know.

Instead of walking, take her for your spin in your Pa’s new Thunderbird. I’m sure he won’t mind. On the way to her house, pick some flowers so she knows they’re fresh. Park out front and knock on her door. If her dad answers, give him a firm handshake; if it’s her mother, tell her her tits look nice.

Once you’re in the town, be sure to tell her your life’s story and what you want to do for a living. No woman likes having to talk about herself. I mean, what’s all that valium for at the end of the day?

Then, when it gets dark, take the T-bird off Elm Street to that old dirt road by the pond. And well, sport, I’ll leave the rest to your imagination. Now bud, it’s always important that you treat her like a lady if you want to get your way. Get the door for her, pay for her food, compliment her hair, and frequently remind her you’re her only ride home. After all, this is a man’s world!