This past weekend, at the Tappa Tappa Keg frat on campus, a Northwestern freshman girl was inducted as the first-ever female rush bid. For the first time in its 100 years of history, the frat lovingly known as the “Jeffery Epstein island” of campus has made this very progressive choice quickly after a confused frat boy bonded with her over their shared “IUD experience.”

We spoke to the esteemed inductee, who chose to identify as O. Penleggs.

She said she was approached by one of the Tappa representatives, tastefully dressed as an “OnlyFans recruiter,” who asked for her number after what she described as “a very quick, very respectful groping.” She was taken aback when the seemingly forward young man proclaimed they should have kids because she was “mad pretty type shit,” to which she let slip out that she “had an IUD.”

Ms. Penleggs reported a noticeable shift in the man’s face. He “finally stopped looking at my tits and looked me in the eyes for once,” then immediately dapped her up, proudly confessing, “oh hell yeah dude I got two of those myself.”

From there, she was taken directly to the rush chair, who identified himself as I. “Spike” Drinks. He was elated to meet someone who “was just like me you know type shit.” Mr. Drinks’ opinion was “dude I can totally vibe with someone who’s been like persecuted racially by some no-good cops tryna ruin a good time type shit.” (Editors note: Mr. Drinks is a Weinberg white male from the DC area)

After a few keg stands and some lines of coke, Ms. Penleggs was pronounced the first freshman of the class of 2028, at least until the rush chairs sober up enough from the Halloweekend bender.