Dear Flippington,

If you haven’t noticed, it’s that time of year again. All the high schoolers are lining up like lambs to the slaughter to visit our wonderful campus. But they don’t know the horrors. Those guides won’t tell them about the last-minute dining hall crowds at 7, they won’t tell them about the religious zealots on Sheridan that try to trick you into giving them your soul through free coffee, and they sure as hell won’t tell them that all the women here are all super terrifying and unapproachable. Somebody needs to warn these kids what they’re getting into, but I’m pretty sure the tour guides are armed with bear spray for brave souls like me. How do I get the message to the kids, y’know, discreetly?

Sincerely, Melvin Melverton

Dear Winston,

First off, what the FLIP. Do NOT call me Flippington, that’s my father’s name. It’s Flippy, keep it that way. My mother didn’t bring me into the world for this.

Anyway, onto your question. I totally get your point. Those tour guides sure didn’t give me the whole story on what college would be like, and I applaud you for daring to stick it to the woke mob. As for strategies, try morse code? Simplest thing to do is SOS–dot-dot-dot, dash-dash-dash, dot-dot-dot. If you want to transmit a more complex message, say, “Willie Wildcat is holding my dining dollars hostage until I do my TNDs and get a 100 on my One Book Northwestern exam,” you’ll need to learn the other letters. You’re on your own there, kid–I’m a columnist, not a virgin.

Oh, and as for the women thing? Dude, just be a normal person, it’s not that hard. Either that or change your name from Melvin.

-Flippy