On the night of Sunday February 25th, students all over campus received an alert that shots had been fired near 70 Arts Circle Drive. After the smoke cleared and adrenaline levels returned to normal, the student body was met with tragic news: the shots had missed the local improv troupes. No suspect is in custody, but police have made it clear that the person responsible will be prosecuted for their lackluster aim and shallow ammo reserves.

Let it be known that the Flipside is a strictly unbiased publication, and we would never dare to comment on the losers who choose to dedicate their lives to an artform exclusively taught in church basements. Furthermore, we would never advocate for the extremely funny crime of popping a “comedian” midway through a game of pass the clap. All reporting from here on will be strictly neutral.

Weinberg Senior Jasper Hootenanny commented “I heard shots from south campus around midnight, and I was hoping that we had finally worked up the gumption to put a stop to those ‘yes-and-ing’ freaks, but apparently not.” Hootenanny is just one of many students who have expressed outrage at the seemingly growing number of shootings that spare improvisers.

CAPS is available for any students wishing to talk about their negative experiences with an improver. In addition, there will be a candlelight vigil at the rock next week to mourn the survivors of the shooting.