The JRBJWC (gerb-jawk), as cool-kids are referring to it, announced it’s opening all four sets of its doors to travelers hoping to host gatherings at the spectacular venue. This is a guide of how to make sure your most important life events get the recognition they deserve at this wonder of the modern world.

1. Wedding

            Have the fairytale moment you deserve and kiss your forever love under the Dunkin Donuts awning. We recommend renting luxurious Greyhound party buses to charter your guests to and from the venue. For a fun twist, catch the rings from the colorful claw machine. As soon as you say your vows, you all all your guests can celebrate with a collective, “We did it Joe!”

2. Birthday

From Sweet 16s to Nasty 9s, your child and their friends will go crazy at the infinite soda machines. Play hide-and-seek with human traffickers, count the number of hair strands in the Panda Express orange chicken, and ingest different strains of bacteria from the various Carvel soft serve flavors.

3. Funeral

            Relax in the communal massage chairs to lament those who have passed. Better yet, fill the gift shop with merch of their faces. Trade those MAGA hats and Kamala-keychains for Uncle Larry’s face on a mug. Reflect on life while fan-girling over the massive parking lot and seeing how many minivans you can spot on the Delaware Turnpike.