The United States of America has always been willing to misinform populations around the world. In 1979, the CIA placed false stories about Soviet celebrations in Islamic-majority countries after the USSR’s invasion of Afghanistan in the Soviet-Afghan war. After 9/11, the U.S.A. whipped its citizens into an anti-terrorist frenzy. And for at least 100 years, the American government has misled its people about the existence of the turducken.

I didn’t believe it for a fucking second. And neither did Dr. Notta Chance, a tenured biologist specializing in avian biology at UCLA. I spoke with her the other day on Zoom, and she assured me that I wasn’t crazy for questioning the so-called truth. 

“There’s simply no way a turducken is real,” Chance said. “It just doesn’t make sense — you’re telling me a turkey, with its thin neck, eats a duck, which somehow manages to survive in its nearly-equally-sized consumer? Worse, I’m somehow supposed to believe that the duck had already eaten a chicken? It makes me sick.” 

We are not sheep, America. WAKE UP!!! We are not sheeple!!! CNN and Fox shake hands behind our backs, letting us kill each other over the perfect turducken while they sit in their ivory towers, eating real foods like cheeseburgers. They want us to struggle, to cry out in fear, too busy searching for that nonexistent avian trifecta for Thanksgiving dinner to notice the fat cats at the top.

I’ve seen the light. I’ve shirked my chains. Can you escape these mental bonds they’ve forced upon you, dragging you to the ground, never to rise to your potential heights? 

Join me in glory.

And don’t even fucking ask me if the beef wellington is real.