Notorious for serving nothing edible but air, Plex East is opening its gluten-repellent doors to improvement suggestions. Seeing as they already serve pee and nut milk, men are hoping that breast milk can be added soon.

“I was never weaned off.” reports senior Michael Toris. “If the school really wants to accommodate dietary restrictions, this addition is necessary. You have no idea how much it costs my mommy to ship 3 gallons of milk a week. It takes a lot out of her.” We aren’t sure if we should feel sorry for those parents, or if they did it to themselves.

As a result, a Google Form was posted searching for volunteers to supply the new machine. The only response is from a student explaining how he has “daddy milkers,” inquiring if they would be of use.

Alas, it might be too soon for all these boobs. If a singular soybean is too dangerous, what happens when a tit inevitably pops? Michael Toris also wanted to add new dinnerware options: cups ranging from size A to double D. “That way, everyone can choose which they prefer, and there’s no mystery around how much they can hold.”