The Baroque era had Rubens. The 20th century American Modernist movement had Georgia O’Keeffe. The Coronavirus pandemic of 2020 has me.

Erotic imagery is a mainstay of any legitimate high art, and I am simply arguing for my right to express the most exceptional contemporary high art. If Heaven above can be measured, and the foundations of the earth searched out beneath, that Heaven would be my asshole.

Why, pray tell, should we deprive the people of the beauty of my anus agape during Econ 230? Why should we further oppress a quarantined people already living under arguably draconian measures? Why, Professor Virginia T. McIntyre, should we censor high art simply due to the ‘controversial’ nature of my lower orifice?

During these difficult times, beauty is lacking. Hope is in short supply. Many find themselves unable to access passion, unable to focus and learn, unable to even get out of bed in the morning amidst the chaos of what politicians are now calling the “New Normal.” What better way, then, to light aflame the hearts and minds of my classmates than by plastering my puckered ass skin all over their laptop screens? Tell me that wouldn’t get them to focus on the lecture. Do it. You can’t.

As if my myriad of arguments weren’t already enough to convince you of the artistic merit of using a picture of my inner-rectum as my Zoom background, consider this:

Many young people today struggle with self-image issues, especially regarding sexual health. With images from pornography and photoshopped advertisements bombarding our youth, countless among us belittle themselves into oblivion over falling short of physical standards of beauty. Fortunately, I am not among one of those weak-minded masses, and I have kept my asshole free of social conditioning. It remains unbleached, unshaven, and unadulterated by social messaging. My asshole can thus inspire my peers to rise above and accept their bodies as they are, attractive though they may be.

In summation: if you email the professor complaining about my anus again, you’re a fucking narc and probably ugly and stupid.