Credible sources have confirmed that when Jocelyn Baker, WCAS ’23, donned a propeller hat for her 11 a.m. Zoom statistics class, she was “doing just fine” and definitely not crying out for help.

Her classmates seemed to disagree, however. “It’s like she used this tired gimmick to distract us from how self-isolation is deteriorating her mental health,” said her classmate Darrell Jamison, RTVF ‘22. “The propeller looks pretty funny, but I’m not laughing. I’m concerned.”

Even her stats professor Tracy Palmetto could tell something was off. Palmetto immediately turned her viewing lens to Baker and, after noticing the hat, messaged her: “Jocelyn, let me know if you need anything.” However, this may have exacerbated the situation, as she accidentally sent this message to the entire 200-person lecture.

The Flipside sent a reporter in a hazmat suit to get a testimony from Baker in Dayton, Ohio.

“Whaaat? I am totally good. A-OK, man. This has been the best few weeks of my life! I honestly think I needed this time to just relax,” Baker said to the Flipside, with a smile that did not look forced in the slightest. “I can explain. I’m wearing it to PROPEL myself to a good quarter. Get it? It’s a propeller hat…well, my cat thought it was funny.”

At press time, Jocelyn’s parents had texted her “we need to talk” after spotting twelve gallons of ice cream and an extra-large tube of Easy Cheese in the family’s Amazon shopping cart.