McCormick sophomore Laura Russo has been reported missing since last Thursday. She was last seen at 5:30 PM on the lakefill, napping peacefully in a perfectly innocuous woven hammock. With no leads and no suspects, the Russo case is turning out to be the latest in a long string of mysterious disappearances at the lakefill. Detectives have not ruled out kidnapping. A break in the case recently led them to believe all seven missing students shared a proclivity for lying flat in fabric nets suspended precariously between two equidistant points.

We reached out to May Darnell, Russo’s roommate. “The hammock did it,” she said with unwavering conviction, “the thing’s haunted, everyone knows.” She emptied the contents of her overstuffed backpack onto Russo’s bed, which was already piled high with dirty laundry. “And what do I think about all this? I reckon whatever’s in that thing has got to stop gorging itself on fresh meat, I really do. It’s really let itself go. It wasn’t this obvious about being a bloodthirsty abomination of nature last year.”

The NUPD is still calling for tips on the whereabouts of Russo and the other missing persons.

In other news, sunny days have been forecasted up ahead. More students, faculty, and local families will be out on the lakefill than ever to enjoy this rare bout of warm fall weather.