The Free and For Sale page was flooded with scooter sales on Thursday after president Morton Schapiro announced that football players were forbidden to use scooters as intercampus transport, instead offering up himself as the team’s personal “piggy.”

“I was talking with Coach Fitzgerald about ways we could improve performance and we identified the players’ scooter use as too straining,” said Schapiro. “We deemed the wrist movements required to accelerate particularly detrimental.”

Athletic trainers and strength coaches workshopped several ideas before they arrived upon the piggy-backing. Walking and/or jogging were suggested but immediately dismissed.

“Neither of those are conducive to football,” said Fitzgerald.

Rickshaws were also suggested, but there was no room in the budget, leading the team to accept the president’s hands-on proposal.

“I suggested piggy-backing because I really feel that I’m giving back to the team,” said Shapiro. “When they score those touchdowns I really feel like I’m out there with them.”

Head strength and conditioning coach Jay Hooten gave the final support for  the new idea. He said that piggy-backing would be optimal given that the players have to put in “literally no effort of any kind.”