When asked by his parents when he’d be available to “show them around the new digs,” undecided freshman Jared Miller sent them a When2meet.

“I’m just incredibly busy,” said Jared Miller, who had just spent the past six hours playing Fortnite in his dorm lounge. “I’m in college now and have so much more responsibility. It’s just more efficient this way.”

Apparently, when Jared sent the link to his parents he only had intermittent, 15-minute time slots available. When asked what he was so busy with he replied, “networking: it’s like a full-time job.”

Meanwhile, his parents Carol and Bob Miller are “just a little peeved” about all the formality.

“I don’t think some quality time with my little man is too much to ask,” said his mother. “Also I’m not very good with technology. I just learned that Elon Musk is a person, not a popular cologne.”

Jared Miller uses When2meet to schedule his class projects, hang-outs with friends, and even hookups with girls. “For some reason though they aren’t as enthusiastic,” he said, “I just don’t think they value my commitment to efficiency in all aspects of my life.”

Jared has not hooked up with any girls.