EVANSTON – Local sources have confirmed that local student James Beach’s, WCAS ’19, cousin knows a guy. When asked about this shocking news, Beach said, “I’m telling you man, my cousin knows this guy who can hook us up with all kinds of things. You want weed, LSD, bootleg movies, or even test answers, my cousin’s guy has it.”

As news has broken out over Beach’s connections, hundreds are flocking to him in order to get their hands on numerous things.

Tim Kant, MEAS ‘18 was one of those people. “Normally I’m not the kind of guy who jumps for this thing, but when I heard that James’s cousin knows a guy who can get his hands on the new Chance album, I just had to set up some connections with James.”

Recently, a new source has confirmed that James’s cousin guy also knows another guy. “Listen, my cousin knows this guy who also knows this other guy who knows another guy who can get us an industrial potato gun. It’s going to be pretty dope. Now, how many can I put you down for?”