By Milton Preston, United States Secretary of Problem Solving

As Secretary of Problem Solving, I face difficult challenges every day. It is my job to use my superior mind to solve any situation facing the world at any given moment. I gained prominence several years ago when I was tasked with designing a system to safely apprehend a vicious tiger that had escaped from a zoo and was terrorizing local neighborhoods. I scoffed at everyone’s dumbfounded reactions to the event. The obvious solution was to build a tall fence around the area where the tiger was roaming. Problem solving like that is what helped me catch the eye of the president when he needed to appoint a new Secretary.

Presently, the world is confronting even more turmoil than that tiger-stricken neighborhood. The entire southern half of California is ablaze, while on the other side of the world, much of Serbia, Croatia, and Bosnia struggle with heavy floods. These two natural disasters have caused multiple deaths and forced thousands of people to evacuate to safety. I have spent many hours pondering solutions to these problems and I believe I have finally reached a solution to both crises.

On one side of the world, we have excessive water. On the other side, there are large flames. Why are we not combining these problems? Water puts out fire, right? If we form a huge bucket chain we can bail out the Balkans while extinguishing the California blazes. I understand the buckets would have to cross an ocean, but everyone could tread water while they pass the buckets across. It’s okay if a little bit of water spills, because they can just refill it from the ocean.

Once I’ve solved the fires and floods, I’m planning to move on to tackling bigger problems facing America. For example, why can’t Solange and Jay-Z get along?