REDMOND, WA — According to Microsoft, over 1 million Xbox One consoles were sold in its first twenty-four hours on the market, and only several people were trampled or robbed in the process. These figures match those of the PS4 release, which Sony said also were about 1 million consoles in its first twenty-four hours.

However, with Black Friday on the horizon, and the holidays following closely, one pressing question remains: which console is best?

To answer this question, The Flipside decided to seek out self-proclaimed gaming expert Link Sonic Chief, who had his name legally changed to honor his favorite characters. Flipside investigators met with him in his parent’s basement, his usual base of operations.

“In my opinion, the Xbox One and the PS4 are appealing to different audiences,” he began. “The Xbox One is a full media-platform, good for everything from getting your friends to dance poorly for your enjoyment with Just Dance 2014 (or its counterpart, Just Twerk 2014), to watching TV, or changing channels with your voice, because pushing buttons on a remote is just too much work. And don’t forget that the Kinect can read your mind and emotions, and is programmed to terminate you with lasers if it finds that you own an iPhone.”

He went on, “Meanwhile, the PS4 has advantages in hard-core gaming. The graphics are even better now, so you can see every unnecessary drop of sweat on the guy’s face whom you are about to shoot in Call of Duty, and the processors are way faster, although you can’t really tell ‘cause they’re spending all their processing power on the sweat droplets. Also, the console might blow up during certain games, to add extra realism to first person shooters.”

When asked for his opinion of the WiiU, Chief responded, “What’s a WiiU?”