SOMEWHERE IN LOS ANGELES — Northwestern Wildcat and rap kind-of-star Chester Marion Hanks, better known to his devoted fan base as Chet Haze, has been noticeably absent from the Evanston campus this year, mostly because he graduated in June.

Life without everyone’s favorite rapper, philosopher and Wildcat has left the Northwestern student body struggling to find its way without Chet’s artistic talent and thoughtful Twitter insights. Their suffering has only been intensified by Chet’s total disconnect from the Northwestern community, and many fans and admirers have been left wondering, where is Chet now?

“It’s strange to think that it’s only been a year since that truly inspiring Deering Days performance,” said SESP sophomore Grace Mannelly. “Every day, I just remember seeing Chet bumping to his beats while walking down Sheridan or even at the occasional party thrown by that frat he was kind of in. I wonder where he is or if he’s happy. I just miss him a lot I guess.”

Some hard-hitting reporting by a devoted Medill student and Chet’s #1 fan (#1 Love) has revealed some distinct possibilities as to his recent activity post-graduation. One thing is definitely clear: Chet has been putting that Northwestern degree to good use.

Living as a Samurai

From on now I am going to live my life as a Samurai — Chester M. Hanks (@CHETHAZE) September 7, 2013

Eatin’ good

Haven’t gone to the gym in a month but for some reason I look more swole? #idontcarethatsoundeddouchey #itsthetruth #BeenEatinGood — Chester M. Hanks (@CHETHAZE) July 9, 2013

Eating Chicken

I’M EATING CHICKEN RIGHT NOW

— Chester M. Hanks (@CHETHAZE) August 25, 2013

Meeting other celebrities

Just met the kid who goes “and can I get a hot tub” from that State Farm commercial lmao. Cool dude

— Chester M. Hanks (@CHETHAZE) July 16, 2013

Riding solo

What part of the game is that when your homies go out and get it crackin without u? — Chester M. Hanks (@CHETHAZE) June 15, 2013

Counting

1234

— Chester M. Hanks (@CHETHAZE) August 27, 2013

Taking it easy

Goin out tonight for the first time in a month… I’m proud I’ve lasted this long — Chester M. Hanks (@CHETHAZE) September 14, 2013

Taking it really easy

So I already beat grand theft auto V… Really depressing

— Chester M. Hanks (@CHETHAZE) September 23, 2013

Being a feminist advocate

I hope you ladies know just how beautiful y’all are. Don’t judge yourself by the bullshit standards set by the media. Be your natural self.

— Chester M. Hanks (@CHETHAZE) November 6, 2013

Cuffing chicks

It’s very rare for me to cuff a chick but the way I see it if we’re together u dont need to be talkin to any other mfers! #itsthatsimple — Chester M. Hanks (@CHETHAZE) September 17, 2013

Developing a fashion blog

I’m just gonna put this out there the spiked Christian Louboutin’s are tacky AF I would be caught dead in those

— Chester M. Hanks (@CHETHAZE) September 17, 2013

Doing philanthropic work

Today I offered a homeless guy a full bottle of water I just bought and he literally threw it at my face… Lmao, #stillgoodkarma — Chester M. Hanks (@CHETHAZE) September 23, 2013

Writing movie reviews

I’m surprised a lion didn’t come out and eat Sandra Bullock at the end of gravity the amount of shit the went wrong

— Chester M. Hanks (@CHETHAZE) October 10, 2013

Wanting to know where we are (We’re here, Chet! Where are you?!?)

I been gettin money where da fuk you been??? — Chester M. Hanks (@CHETHAZE) October 15, 2013

Supporting family values

I fear for the generation of children who are growing up in this toxic pop culture machine

— Chester M. Hanks (@CHETHAZE) October 21, 2013

Philosophizing

Reflecting on the duality of man — Chester M. Hanks (@CHETHAZE) October 28, 2013

Tracking down the Illlumnati

TWO OF MY MISTRESSES WHOM I BELIEVE HAVE BEEN ACQUAINTED ARE CURRENTLY ATTENDING THE BANQUET… PERHAPS I AM BEING UNREASONABLY SUSPICIOUS — Chester M. Hanks (@CHETHAZE) November 14, 2013

Making Vines

First vine… It’s ya boy… Fuck with me https://t.co/TrHDCJ5bDb

— Chester M. Hanks (@CHETHAZE) November 16, 2013

Really supporting family values

You may be too distracted to realize it, but Satanic imagery is everywhere you look nowadays. — Chester M. Hanks (@CHETHAZE) November 21, 2013

More philosophizing

Large Scale Contemplation

— Chester M. Hanks (@CHETHAZE) July 20, 2013

Or he might have just transferred to Sarah Lawrence

Green Auras – Gabe Day Lewis

In any case, Chet, The Flipside misses you.