By My Angry Feminist Roommate

UGH. I believe I can speak for the women’s center, Northwestern feminists, NU College Democrats (they hate oppression), NUSpoon (crumbs!) and Helicon literary magazine (whatever, I hear they’re progressive) when I say that No Shave November is the WORST. Follicular privilege is a PROBLEM on this campus and it is high time we engaged in civil discourse and discussed the issue. In just outright forgoing a basic tenet of human hygiene, bearded men assert their dominance over both women and men who have a harder time growing facial hair, and it isn’t OKAY. Like, I CAN’T grow a beard, and when I walk down Sheridan, my hairless, female face literally being ASSAULTED by gale force winds, it’s both oppressive and marginalizing to see these fur-faced misogynists gloating in their superiority and facial warmth.

It’s as if they don’t understand that follicle-rooted oppression is CENTURIES old. My google image search studies suggest that Cortez definitely had a beard and I’m willing to bet Columbus did too by the time the Nina, Pinta, and Santa Maria hit shore, and I’m SURE they used their whiskers to justify their disregard for clean-shaven indigenous peoples. And John Smith? ABSOLUTELY used his wooly British beard to woo Pocohontas. And JUST LAST WEEK some bearded masochist just TOOK the last normal-sized, non-lefty desk in my gender studies class on the third floor of Kresge. Like how could he just ASSUME that I’d be okay with the MINIATURE desk in front of him? THERE WASN’T ENOUGH ROOM FOR MY LATTÉ AND I HAD TO KEEP IT ON THE FLOOR. It was awful.

I just can’t sit here and eat my kale-flavored skyr while every day the men of Northwestern wake up and make a decision in between the time they brush their teeth and wash their face that oppresses entire sectors of our student body. Their follicular privilege literally BLINDS them to the struggles and sojourns of the silent, beardless majority, who they inadvertently oppress on a daily basis. Like why can’t I thoughtfully stroke my chin with the same sense of gravity as my bearded counterparts in “Philosophy 101: Transcendentalist Traditions in Existentialism”? WHY? Until the Northwestern community can unite behind a movement for follicular equality, the hair gap is only going to keep widening, and ilovetofuandmenarepigs.com is taking a stand.

DISCLAIMER: Ryan Gosling’s beard is fine where it is and is in no way oppressive or marginalizing to the feminist community at large.