EVANSTON — After careful thought and consideration, the administration of Northwestern University has decided to change the university’s athletics teams from the “Northwestern Wildcats” to the “Northwestern Investment Bankers.”

Jim Phillips, Vice President for Athletics and Recreation, commented, “There are many universities whose teams’ names fully encapsulate everything their students aspire to be—the Cornhuskers of Nebraska, the Volunteers of Tennessee, and the dumb-as-nuts Buckeyes of The Ohio State University. The name ‘Wildcats’ is just too detached from our students’ interests. We feel that the ‘Investment Bankers’ will be a well-received replacement for the ‘Wildcats.’”

Weinberg freshman, Alan Frunkle, was pleased by the change. “I think this is a great decision. It’s no secret that Northwestern lacks a certain enthusiasm for its sports teams that so many other Big Ten schools have. Just look at Maryland. So much pride. The switch to the ‘Northwestern Investment Bankers’ is just the spark that we students need. I’m sure students will now flock to sporting events by the dozens.”

Since the official announcement, there has been speculation about what will happen to Northwestern’s mascot, Willie the Wildcat. “We wanted a mascot that would really strike fear into our opponents,” Phillips clarified. “The new mascot will be Wilfred Wilmington of BMO Harris Bank.”

Willie the Wildcat, now unemployed, can be seen walking up and down Sheridan Road with a sign that reads, “Will growl for food.”