EVANSTON — Northwestern freshmen last week experienced the panic of needing to register for classes while hung over and the subsequent need to purchase textbooks. With rumors spreading that Norris Bookstore ran out of books for many NU classes, The Flipside launched an investigation

Norris Bookstore promised that it has, and always has had, more than enough textbooks, access codes, and student manuals, for all students in every single class at Northwestern, ever.

“Of course we have enough materials for everyone,” stated Chuck Ray, a Norris official. “It’s not like we don’t have access to lists of how many people could possibly enroll in which classes. What kind of dumb-ass book store wouldn’t have books?”

When told that some students claimed they were unable to find all their class materials at Norris, Ray became outraged.

“Preposterous!” exclaimed Ray. “We have a giant vault underneath the bookstore with enough books and class materials to last millennia. All of our stock is already overpriced as hell, and we certainly aren’t going to miss out on chances to scam all you suckers out of more of our, I mean your, money.”

The Flipside’s investigation concluded that the rumors were simply rumors. Otherwise, classes would need to push back deadlines for all their assignments and postpone essentially all academic activity until further notice; this is just too inefficient to be true. Such an atrocity could never occur in the efficient, helpful halls of the Norris University Bookstore.