EVANSTON—This Monday, freshmen poured into Norris for the Activities Fair, a time-worn Northwestern tradition in which members of the incoming class sign away their inboxes to listserv upon listserv in exchange for free candy. The entire Class of 2013 was successfully crammed into the student center, effectively causing what administrators called “a fire code nightmare.”

Some freshmen, however, decided to turn the close-quarters situation into their advantage. Casually walking past the “Germ”any Disease Association, young freshmen like Jeff Lerman moved uncomfortably close to the cute girls walking in front of him.

Lerman, who (unbeknownst to his high-school friends) has not gotten any action during Welcome Week, said, “My left thigh definitely rubbed against that girl’s right butt cheek.”

“I always knew I was going to get so much ass at Northwestern,” Lerman added.

Several females reported feeling a variety of different grips on their derrières during the event. Recent case studies demonstrate that backhanding was incredibly popular. Although forehanding provides a more satisfying squeeze, males cite reasons to use the backhand as “it’s less obvious” and “it’s classier.”

The tables were turned around the Rainbow Alliance booth, however, where several males reported uncomfortable brush-bys, if not all-out grind-fests.

Another victim, Rachel Berzon, was violated many times in her Joe’s Jeans. She explains, “Right around the Lithuanian Group of Native Americans Against Gambling, I thought somebody was trying to pickpocket me. I turned around, readied my mace, and saw that it was only an ugly freshman smiling uncontrollably and pretending it wasn’t his hand that was just touching my rump.”

Since cute girls travel in packs, Rachel’s equally cute friend had a myriad of Purell-less and possibly swine flu-infected hands on her tookus. Eve, a devout prude, has not been this disappointed since the March Through the Arch. She stated, “If I wanted that stuff, I would just go Greek.”