Ugh. I could totally get in here. This is dumb. I don’t even know why you would want to come to school here. Like Willie the Wildcat? Seriously? Dumb. This place is probably full of UChicago rejects. My (insert standardized state tests here) scores were in the 99^th percentile. I got a letter from the Governor, the actual Governor of (insert state with said standardized test here). Northwestern would be my super safety. I’m the smart one. Mom told me.

This tour guide just mispronounced the name of that building. Krez-gee? That should be Krez-guh. Duh. I mean, I would know. I took German after school for three months in third grade. The teacher said I was a natural. I bet I wouldn’t even need to take their language requirement here, which is dumb. An ugly building called “Tech?” Also dumb. There’s still snow on the ground? Super dumb.

Where even are we? A big pond? You probably can’t even swim in it because those freaky fish might eat you. What is the tour guide even saying? Something about a bunch of students dancing in a tent? Dumb. A million dollars isn’t even that much. I could probably raise that with, like, a bake sale. I bet they can’t even dance. I can though. I had the best score in the class on the flexibility test in gym.

This is the worst. Maybe if I roll my eyes one more time Mom will let me leave, except she keeps asking dumb questions. Of course they have vegan food. Of course the tour guide studied abroad in Spain. Of course the library has 352,294,637 books. This is literally the same exact tour as WashU. I mean I could probably give this tour and do a better job.

Ugh. I wish I was at home watching Pretty Little Liars right now. Jessica even said her mom would have dropped her off at my house.