EVANSTON — The umbrella organizations responsible for Greek life at Northwestern, IFC, MGC, NPHC, and PHA, announced in a joint statement this morning that they will be adding one more role to the nuclear pledge family unit. “In addition to the traditional roles of pledge parents, children, and siblings, the new role of the pledge stepdad will be integrated in to the already rich structure of our Greek life organizations,” said Anita Jackson, spokeswoman for the Panhellenic Association.

According to Jackson, the responsibilities of the pledge stepdad will be akin to those of a traditional stepfather. “Essentially, their job will be to show up at the chapter house once in a while and get really, really, obscenely drunk,” Jackson explained. “Subsequent actions will depend on the stepdad’s location. If in a sorority house, he will make several creepy remarks about the bodies of his pledge stepdaughters and then proceed to grope inappropriately. If in a fraternity house, he will needlessly criticize his pledge stepsons for not being good enough at sports and blurt out a couple of threats about what will happen if they turn gay.”

Jackson also mentioned that beyond the aforementioned duties, pledge stepdads will have the freedom to exercise their own imaginations. “They could get back in their truck, smoking cigarettes as they drunk-drive away from their pledge families, or go see a cheap prostitute. It’s entirely up to them, as long as they stay committed to their ultimate goal—bringing more family spirit to Greek life at Northwestern.”

Asked about her opinion on the subject, Maggie Porter, a freshman in Delta Delta Delta Delta, said, “I think what we’re really missing in Quad Delt right now is someone who stumbles in between two and three AM on Sunday morning, straight from the Keg, takes off his horrendous smelling Sperry’s at the door, and passes out on the chapter room floor. With the introduction of the pledge stepdad, our Greek experience will finally be complete and true to the values of the American family.”