By Harry Barbash, Sophomore Economics Major

What the fuck, Professor Donaghy? Do you have any idea what happened this last weekend? You think there was time to study for a midterm about the Celts in the 11^th century? Because there sure as shit was not.

Let’s start with the obvious. Halloween is the peak time for drunken revelry. Halloween just sweetens the crowded-apartment-party pot. Hookups become even more anonymous as you grind up on whatever masked person’s behind you. Alcohol gets consumed in an even wider range of colors and shapes.

And then, AND THEN, it was motherfucking homecoming. Really, Donaghy, did you really stop to consider how a homecoming win in an already statistically improbable season for the Big Ten’s class nerds would play? Willful ignorance is the only word I could use to describe anyone who thinks someone would have been sober for more than the thirty minute stretch from bed to muddy-backyard-of-off-campus-frat-house.

So you expected us to drag our hungover asses out of bed Sunday, do the walk of shame back to our dorms (made even more shameful by our costumes), get our materials, go to the library and study?

I call bullshit. You knew we wouldn’t.

Bastard.