A local man identified by Evanston police as Michael Oxlong has recently been discovered to be in a time loop—a rare phenomenon reported only once in history. The first known instance of a time loop began, depending on your definition of beginnings, in 2020 when a man was dared to transport himself back and vote 11,780 times for Biden in Georgia. Oxlong’s situation seems slightly different.

Oxlong, seemingly confused as to what to do about his situation, reported to local police that he had experienced the same sequence of events 12 times and he could predict with perfect accuracy what was going to happen next. For example, eyewitnesses to the events at the police station have corroborated his testimony that several police officers would pull their service weapons when he threatened to blow up the building.

Despite the credibility of the previous incident, police have insisted that Oxlong’s is not a genuine case of time looping. “Frankly, we’ve seen better,” one officer said, “genuine cases of time looping usually involve better predictions, like the exact time and date of your death, or that the world is going to be overrun by a genocidal race of humanoid-skeleton robots that a badass kid with a dirt bike is going to fight….freaky stuff man…”.

The situation seemed to clear up after a search of Oxlong’s house discovered a salvia garden in his backyard where police recovered 7.95 pounds of the hallucinogen. When asked if this could have anything to do with Oxlong’s claims, one officer with a 0.05-pounds-of-salvia-shaped-belly responded “eeehhhhhhhhhhhh uhhhhhhhhh aaaaaaaaaaaaaaa hhaaa.” 

More to come as the story develops.