It seems like every day you hear about some quack on TV trying to sell you miracle cures to make your life better. Now I admit, I’ve gobbled up the odd gas station pill, but nothing could quite help me get a handle on my life until I learned about getting severed. Naïvely, I thought getting severed would help with my work/life balance, instead, when I woke up, I realized they just cut my balls off!

I thought that “Snipsnip” was a respectable name for a doctor; I mean, what has the world come to if you can’t trust a physician recommended to you by your local animal shelter? Now I admit, I was a little off-put when I saw the large number of cats and dogs in the waiting room, but I figured he was just an animal lover, not that he was about to divorce my thing-1-and-thing-2 from the rest of my body with the clinical precision of a Civil War amputation doctor. To be fair, though, I should’ve realized something was wrong when they offered me a treat.

After waking up from the procedure, I expected to feel a headache like in that documentary on AppleTV+, and that’s when I realized what had happened. I didn’t feel a headache; as somebody who has had testes for at least the past 5 years, the phantom pains of my missing bronads were unmistakable.

So now I’ve come to quite the crossroads in my life. I went into that operating room ready to come out a changed man, and I did in many ways—my work/life balance seems so insignificant now. Well, at least I still have 1 ball left!