Dear Flippy,

Hello Flippolas! My Phil McKraken, and I’ve reached rock bottom, so I figured it was time to reach out to you. My problem is simple, I have no idea how to act around women. I tried to introduce myself to that cute girl in my history class last quarter, but I must have done something wrong after I asked how big her boobs were because she maced me and I spent the rest of the day listening to “Creep” by Radiohead while lying on the floor in my room.

Then, I started to remember another incident. The incident. You see, when I was 9 walked into the living room and saw my parents watching Fifty Shades of Grey on the TV. It was the ice cube scene. Right before what I now know is called some “hot fucking shit”.

So, does this mildly traumatic occurrence explain why I am this way?

Sincerely,

Phil McKraken

Dear Phil McKraken,

Yes, it does. Also, call me Flippolas again and I will demolish you; but if there’s one thing bears are known for, it’s understanding the complex issues which unguided exposure to sexual intimacy at a young age can have on a person later in life, so you’ve written to the right person that isn’t really a person!

I can’t imagine that your first concept of love being Mr. Grey letting the little voice in his head do the heavy lifting had good effects, so why don’t you go do something else. How about putting your phone down and touching grass. Or, better yet, read Romeo and Juliet, it’s a great example of how all love inevitably ends in death and tremendous heartbreak.

As to your dating strategy, instead, why don’t you cutting it out and going to live in a monastery? Not a lot of difficult social interactions when your best friend is (fake?) God.

With all shock and no awe,

Flippy