Well golly-gee-good-morning, world! My name is John J. Johnson, and I have the best life ever! I wake up five minutes before my alarm at 6:00, just fully refreshed and ready to take on the day. I spring out of bed, get dressed, and rush into the kitchen, where my beautiful Stepford wife, May Ann Sue Ellen, my kids, Sock and Davis, and our dog, Sparky, are all waiting for me. May Ann Sue Ellen made me breakfast–eggs all sunny side up, not a dash of pepper! Gee, once May Ann Sue Ellen accidentally put salt in my eggs, and I nearly choked on the spice. Boy, did I show her!

Anyway, I don’t have the time to do much more than shovel my breakfast down and read my newspaper while Sock and Davis ask me those silly kid questions like “Will you come to my football ballet tennis match recital game?” or “Hey, Dad, can I have five cents for my field trip?”, and I’m out the door by 7 every day.

It’s off to work at AM Insurance and gosh-golly-gee, I just love my job! Seeing all the poor, helpless people beneath me just really just turns me o–I mean, helping people in need is so rewarding! And I just love my coworkers, Gary and Stevie. Sometimes we even go out for drinks, just us, and after two or three we start doing silly things like questioning our place in the universe and asking each other about all our deep-seated regrets–I think Gary is in a lavender marriage.

After work, I come home as the sun sets, and the long day of denying claims and sacrificing my humanity for the good of a massive, unfeeling company comes to an end. As I come home to my loving wife’s wretched meal and the increasing demands of my parasitic children, I can’t help but think: I have a mouth, but I don’t need to scream :)