The other day when I was driving and intently studying the bumper stickers on the car in front of me, I saw my least favorite sticker of all time. “What could that be,” you ask? The “Coexist” bumper sticker? It looks like you’re stuck in 2010, but I’ll allow it. The “My Child is an Honor Student” bumper sticker? Nerddd, but it’s not hurting me. The one I’m talking about – the worst of them all – is the “Baby on Board” sticker.

Is your baby on board with you being a whiny loser? How would your baby feel that you’re using them as a scapegoat for you going 10 miles under the speed limit? You know, we were all babies once. Should I get a bumper sticker that says, “252-month-old baby on board?”

It simply has nothing to do with me. Just like I will honk at an old person who SUCKS at driving, I will honk at a car with a baby on board. The baby should take it as a favor – I’m teaching their parents how to drive better. Maybe, in 16 years, I will also honk at that baby when it is a student driver. We all have to learn how to drive properly at some point. See, like I said, this isn’t even my problem and yet I’m still helping. You’re welcome.

Also, the baby on board bumper sticker is aesthetically unpleasing to look at. That ugly yellow is supposed to catch my attention but it honestly just reminds me of a deer crossing sign. So congrats, you now have me watching out for deer instead of watching out for your baby. And what’s the deal with the deer crossing signs anyway? Why are we telling them where to cross? Let’s just get rid of road warning signs altogether. They encourage incompetence.