Just last week, Northwestern Senior, Bern Out, was pulled aside by one of his professors and ridiculed for aggressively ripping a huge green box vape throughout the entire lecture. Out calmly explained that his professor was greatly mistaken. For the past few months, Out has been curbing his vaping addiction by ripping 20 GoGo Squuezes a day, an innovation which he is trying to patent.

“Why don’t you give it a try?” Out asked his professor who was unconvinced until he slurped up a long, skinny semi-gelatinous tube of unsweetened, organic applesauce and felt a head rush like nothing he had ever experienced before. GoGo Squeez has personally contacted Out in hopes of a collaborative marketing campaign as his excessive consumption and subsequent trendsetting amongst other nicotine-dependent adolescents has single-handedly saved the company from bankruptcy.

“It’s perfect because from afar at, say, a darty you still look like you’re a really cool guy hitting an epic box vape,” explained Out, “but really you’re giving your body the crucial nutrients it needs and gradually weening yourself off of vaping.”

In response to concerns that he is just replacing one addiction with another (excessive squeezable applesauce consumption), Out reminded his critics that applesauce is basically baby food and anything that a baby does is undeniably biologically, evolutionary, and genetically healthy. For this same reason, he is now also trying to patent a rehab program in which, for six months, addicts get all their sustenance from freshly sourced, nipple-to-mouth, breast milk.