Holy shit you’ve got to try this stuff out sometime. I don’t care what Nancy Reagan or Barbara Bush say about “just say no”, JUST SAY YES, JUST SAY YES!!! I’ve never felt this way before, not even when I had that entire bottle of Flintstone’s gummies; I feel like I’m about to jump through time, like I can make lightning bolts shoot from my ass! They’ve been trying to keep this secret from us for so long, but the truth is: holy shit, this stuff is fucking great!

It’s really changed my life, done a whole 180—for the better! It started with that white guy in a suit that came to my low-income and predominately people-of-color neighborhood in the intercity. He was laughing saying he was from something called the “CIA”. What a nice guy, I wonder what he’s up to now.

Now I remember do Red-Ribbon-Week they would tell us that we had to stay away from dangerous drugs like weed, and that stuck with me. I’d never compromise the temple that is my body by smoking weed. Grass, pot, funny cigarettes, wacky tabaccy–nuh-uh, not for me! But where’s the harm in having a little bit of crack every now and then? Is it really any worse than caffeine? And people drink that up all the time.

Like I said though, this shit is fucking great! It’s so great, I actually can’t imagine what my life would be like without my beloved crack, I really can’t! And I don’t want to, I really don’t! PLEASE DON’T MAKE ME. PLEASE DON’T MAKE ME IMAGINE LIFE WITHOUT MY CRACK. DON’T TAKE THIS AWAY FROM ME, IT’S ALL I GOT IN THIS WORLD!!!.

Crack has really done great things for me. All this anti-crack propaganda about teeth falling out and whatnot is just Big Pharma lies. Oh, look at the time! It’s been nearly five whole minutes since my last hit, gotta go!