After a quarter at Northwestern, I’ve been blown many ways. I’ve been blown off by that girl from my PA group, been blown through by my professor like an unpaid TA, nearly blown up by the gas leak on the first-floor bathroom. But by far, the best way I’ve been blown was to smithereens.

To smithereens, to ashes, to dust, to nada. Call it what you want, but there’s nothing like being blown to smithereens to calm me down after a stressful week. Once I lie down in bed at night and try to fall asleep, but the rhythmic sounds of my roommate discovering, “wow I didn’t know it could that!” are keeping me up, all I can dream about is being annihilated completely. So when I get the chance, there’s nothing that’s going to stop me from strapping myself to a rocket and blasting off into the sweet, sweet release of the next life. And when that doesn’t work, I like to go to the South Side and – actually nevermind, I’ve been told I shouldn’t joke about gang violence in Chicago.

Now I know some people like to argue that there are better ways to get blown. That guy TJ I met in the Tappa Tappa Keg basement was telling me there’s this girl that knows how to do it really well, but I’m not really sure what he meant. You see, what’s good about being blown to smithereens is that it leaves no trace. No blood splatter, no sinewy tissue strewn about, no sign that I was once here suffering.

That all being said, getting blown to smithereens isn’t the end-all-be-all. It doesn’t fix all your problems, I admit that. It doesn’t fix the fact I have two midterms next week, or the fact that my English professor is going to report me to the Dean because she doesn’t think I know any words with more than three syllables (I know how to spell nowlejable!). But you know what, it’s pretty fucking close.

So, the next time you’re looking to get blown, may I suggest you get blown to smithereens. You can’t be left with the feeling that you won’t ever be able to fill the hole in your heart that one girl left when you were 15 if you can’t feel anything at all!