During his recent spree of executive orders, newly inaugurated president Donald Trump made a decision that shocked the gaming world: banning any sales of the Nintendo Switch 2 in US stores. When asked why he made such a bizarre decision, he claimed that the company “is China” and shouldn’t be allowed to operate in his “beautiful America”.

“I was just starting to like that country too… but now I see right through their scheme. They lure you in with these flashy new games and features only to release the same games over and over… then after stealing your money, they steal your information” declared Trump during a 48 minute, wide-ranging rant. “Barron had one of these spy tools and I had it destroyed. Am I a great father or what?”  

He has also accused the company of “promoting DEI” because of the cast of characters featured in the Mario Kart games. “Rainbow Road? Mario, an undeniably Mexican name? Women driving? It’s ridiculous they expect our kids to play this indoctrinating, woke nonsense.”

Surprisingly, many Nintendo fans have no problem with the news. Instead, they’ve flocked to different social media to call the console ugly, useless, and “worse than the first”, even though it hasn’t been released yet. Nintendo’s current president Shuntaro Furukawa has also released a statement on the company’s Twitter regarding the president’s decision: “我々は日本人だ、バカ野郎.” (Translation: “We’re Japanese, dipsh*t.”).

In good news, Trump has offered to reverse the ban, but only if Nintendo brought back the console’s original design. “I loved the red and blue joysticks.” He said, “They were very American, very patriotic. Until they bring them back, Nintendo will continue to be a Nintend-NO.”