“Leftists have taken over our education system and are teaching our children to hate America!” a Trump administration spokesperson proclaimed to the Flipside in a recent interview. “President Trump’s top priority in education is to bring patriotism, western morality, and the word of the Lord back into the American classroom, and we’ve decided the best way to do that is with the celebrated 2009 film Alvin and the Chipmunks: The Squeakuel.”

The specific movie was chosen because it is “Perhaps the finest distillation of good, wholesome American values since the works of Frank Capra,” the spokesperson said. “The left aims to drown innocent children in pure degeneracy to distract them from the obvious truth of traditional values as expounded in the Bible and The Art of the Deal. As opposed to left-wing films, Alvin and the Chipmunks: The Squeakuel is an all-American morality tale about the strength of friendship and being true to oneself.”

Under a new executive order to be signed as soon as Trump enters office, a DVD copy (Blu-Ray or VHS acceptable) of Alvin and the Chipmunks: The Squeakuel will be mandated in every American classroom, to be visible to students at all times to remind them, as outlined in the order, “WWAD.” If the mandate is struck down as unconstitutional, a contingency “Alvin clause” for the first amendment has been prepared.

The Trump administration responded to critics with a statement that “despite the opposition of communist groups like ACLU, FIRE, and the Heritage Foundation, and biased mainstream media criticism of the film as a ‘cutely fractious claptrap,’ true patriots know that Alvin and the Chipmunks: The Squeakuel should be required watching material for every upstanding American man, woman, and child.”

Conservative pundits praised the decision, with Ben Shapiro saying “The film could have, hypothetically, been somewhat better if Britney Spears actually showed up at the end, but, nonetheless, is, at the given time, logically, conclusively, the greatest film of the century,” and Tucker Carlson saluting the film for “refusing to give into the Hollywood trope of gender confusion, it’s just the chipmunks and the chipettes, goddamnit!”

A New York Times op-ed lamented, “so this is how liberty dies—with squeaky-ass auto-tuned singing.” Batten down the hatches, folks: like it or not, Alvin season is approaching.